Like, I really just annoy myself.
These crazy head games. These endless pity parties. This irrational fear. This prideful spirit. This annoying attitude. This selfish heart.
Uffda, I'm setting this blog post up well, aren't I...
I usually blame it all on still dealing with my relocation moves. And for real, they were tough. And for real still ARE tough. Tougher than I'd like to admit. Tougher than I ever realized going into them. And as a sidenote, also tough on the bank account. I just sat and did my first Dave Ramsey monthly cash flow budget....yikes. I'm now a little bit less upset about my lack of "Oh my goodness I NEED this new dress" mentality. If I had that mentality I'd undoubtedly be forced to live in a cardboard box. Unfortunately that means I still wear clothes I had in high school....please don't tell anyone.
But at least I'm paying every single bill, on time, and have no credit card debt. Right? Right.
Okay back on track, where was I? Oh yes, about how I annoy myself.
I am an over-thinker by nature.
With that, I completely over-analyze myself...case in point: this blog post. And multiple annoying texts I've sent to Josh randomly when my brain was about to explode...because if I don't write it out, I don't process it very well. I haven't been blogging much lately, so guess who gets the written-out-over-analysis? Sorry, Josh. Thanks for putting up with this for over 2 years. And still putting a ring on it. I love you.
Traci Adamson Photography, everybody. She's amazing.
And one of my bestest MN friends :)
But today was a turning point. Because guess what I did on my way to work this morning?
Prayed about it.
Hmm...shocking, right? I turned off the radio and vented to God. Then at about the I5/hwy 18 interchange, I confessed to this sin. Because it is a total lack of trust and faith that God is in control.
He obviously has me here for a reason. (And truly I have never, ever, once regretted the moves. I've just had a hard time processing them.)
But then I gave it back to Him and I said He needed to really help me healthily deal with all of this because I was annoying myself so badly that it was starting to make me into someone I didn't want to be. Of course I'll always be an over-analyzer, but after this prayer I very quickly was given the ability to rationally think through my bottom line issue:
I miss my family, I miss my MN friends, I obviously have realized that I am now engaged to a man who lives here in WA and we will most likely live here for many, many years. I have been fighting all of this because I feel like my identity is so rooted in MN...that my family and long-time friends are the only ones who TRULY know me...that I have begun to believe this lie that I cannot truly be Kirsten in Washington. That I can't raise my future family the way I'm supposed to because they might not play hockey in the backyard like I've always imagined.
But this morning all of this was shattered and I was given this very obvious explanation:
Of course I can.
Of course I can be Kirsten in Washington because this is where I live now.
Hiking last weekend--Lake Serene. A lake on top of a mountain!
Of course this is where I will raise my future family because I KNOW Josh is the man I am supposed to marry. And he has an awesome job here...and there aren't 8+ months of brutal winter here.
Minnesota was my starting point, Denver was my stepping stone to meet Josh and really grow as an independent person, but they both have developed me into the person I am becoming to live in Washington. To soon get married, to continue having adventures, to then settle down a bit, to raise a family, all while continuing to learn how to fully trust God with this beautiful life He's given me.
So today I let go of these irrational thoughts and fears and prideful stubbornness. I stop over-thinking my life here, I let go of my childhood assumptions of how I would live my adult life, and I start planning how to get an ice rink to stay frozen in my backyard in 40+ degree winters.
